


Almost Sunset

by Junker



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-06 13:44:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11601852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Junker/pseuds/Junker
Summary: Zaeed and Shepard train together in the Armax Arsenal Area (ME3 - Citadel DLC). Zaeed worries about Shepard's crumbling mental state and considers how much he misses their old relationship.





	Almost Sunset

**Author's Note:**

>   
> 
> 
> This is a work for the incredibly fun Mass Effect Big Bang 2017! 

Zaeed stood next to Shepard as they overlooked the projected orange-red sunset on the Blasteroid map. The Normandy’s retrofits were taking longer than expected, and Shepard was getting antsy. He spent an increasing amount of time in the Armax Arsenal Arena to train and keep himself on his toes, and Zaeed usually joined him. He enjoyed Shepard’s company, and he obviously had nothing better to do.

Leaning back, Zaeed watched Shepard’s pensive profile. As much as Shepard would smile and wave at the fans above - and the fan’s numbers increased after each match - he was always serious before and during the match, as if the stakes were real. Shepard caught Zaeed watching him and gave him a nod. Zaeed nodded back and they drew their weapons.

He had long since stopped paying attention to what enemies and level Shepard picked to fight during the match, but the Collectors at the harder difficulties always got under his skin. The Reaper forces he liked fighting - as horrific as they were, they kept him desensitized to battles ahead of him. The Collectors - they were finished. Fighting them was just fighting ghosts. It brought both of them back to the time when they fought the Collector’s together - when the Collector Base collapsed around them. When their companions fell and they all heard their last words on the commicators.

It was nothing to Zaeed. People died around him all the time. He’d long grown numb to the deaths around him. Training with the Collectors brought back the ghosts of his former companions alongside each enemy, but he had so many ghosts around him that it hardly mattered.

But he noticed the differences in Shepard with every round against the Collectors. He fought to try to save those long dead ghosts - or maybe he fought to protect those still alive. Shepard was viciously determined - and on the most difficult settings, he and Zaeed always lost as a single pair. Shepard would lay on the ground, panting, furious that he couldn’t do better.

Zaeed hated it. His fondest memories of Shepard were when they fought the Collectors side by side - while they were still recruiting, before they lost anyone. When the Collectors were still an unknown threat. Shepard was lost without his old friends and frustrated he had to work with an agency he despised, but he was still soft and fun and hopeful.

When Shepard fought the Collectors now, Zaeed could see how profoundly tired and broken Shepard was. Every time they fought the ghosts, they tore a few more irreplaceable bits off of Shepard. Shepard wasn’t dead, Zaeed still fought with him now, but he often felt like he’d lost Shepard on the Collector Base too. Whatever pieces of Shepard managed to make it back from the Base were far from the man he fell in love with.

Maybe that’s what pissed him off so much. Looking at Shepard now sometimes reminded him of himself. Hard. Ruthless. Unforgiving. He wondered if they were back on Zorya chasing Vido now, if Shepard would even try to save the factory workers. Would Shepard punch him for almost killing them all? ‘Cause the punch was the final push into love for Zaeed.

They’d lose the match. Zaeed wasn’t paying attention - and they were already fighting several Praetorians. Without a third, the Praetorians too easily overwhelmed them. And Shepard always put himself in danger to protect Zaeed. A shadow of his former self - but a shadow Zaeed hated. He’d never been worth saving. Not when Shepard lifted the pillar off of him on Zorya, and not when Shepard lifted rubble off of him on the Collector Base. Zaeed never considered himself worth pulling off the ground. If he couldn’t pull himself up, what was the fucking point?

When Shepard fell to a Praetorian, Zaeed ended the match. Muffled cheers still filled the room. No one cared that they lost. They’d just seen Commander Shepard fight against all odds. Zaeed held out his hand to help Shepard up, and Shepard hit his hand away. Zaeed hesitated and Shepard stood up, waved to the silhouetted fans outside, and moved back into the athletes-only area. Zaeed considered all the times Shepard’s grip saved his ass and here Shepard wouldn’t even accept his hand to get off the fucking floor. He absently bit back his anger. He tried to swallow it. He wasn’t good at it.

Thankfully the athletes-only area was empty. Shepard carefully scoped it out before he looked at Zaeed, his eyes fierce. Shepard was pissed. Shepard snapped, “Why’d you end the match?”

“I was fucking bored.”

“You could have healed me. It would have been good practice for me-”

“You’ve broken their machines, Shepard,” Zaeed said. “They throw so many fucking enemies at you now that no one else even tries to fight at those levels. Hell, part of the reason we always win with three is because with a third person, the arena can’t handle processing more enemies to put the odds back in their favour.”

“And that’s supposed to make me feel better?” Shepard asked.

Zaeed didn’t answer, and Shepard started to take off his armour. He had lost weight. He’d always been heavyset, but now he looked more like an Alliance soldier and held himself without any insecurities in his shoulders. It was a strange thing to dislike - Shepard starting to look like those heavily edited recruitment posters that they used when he died. 

“Aren’t you tired?” Zaeed asked. “You’re always here - and I mean always.”

“You’re usually here too.”

“Yeah.”

Shepard hesitated. He had pulled up his pants, but his shirt was off. Zaeed hated how lean he looked. Sure, he still had some muscle, but he used to have more in his arms. He used to just have more overall. Did his crew think he was just getting more fit? Had they not noticed he was losing muscle alongside his weight? Shepard said, “You don’t have to babysit me.”

“Is that what this is?”

“I don’t know,” Shepard said, sharply.

Zaeed was a little insulted. He cared about him and missed fighting alongside him. If he couldn’t do it with the Normandy, he’d take simulated training. He’d take anything to be at Shepard’s side again, if only for a few minutes.

Shepard tried to put his sweater over his head, but struggled to get his head through the hole. He pulled it off again and exhaled. With a hint of defeat, he said to Zaeed, “I can’t sleep.”

Zaeed stepped closer, watching Shepard’s eyes. Shepard always stared at the Blue Suns logo on Zaeed’s neck when he was too embarrassed to look him in the eye. Zaeed was glad he had something positive to associate with that tattoo in the end. “I hear them,” Shepard said, softly. “All of them.”

“Those we lost on the Collector Base?”

“And from before. Ash. My Squad. The boy. That stupid fucking kid.”

“Wait? What boy?”

“I should have ripped apart the vents to find him,” Shepard said.

Zaeed tried to meet Shepard’s eye, but Shepard moved out of his eye line. Zaeed repeated, “What boy?”

Shepard didn’t reply. He put on the sweater without difficulty. Shepard said, “If I can’t save one fucking kid, how am I supposed to save everyone else?”

“Damned if I know.”

“Thanks.”

“You won’t tell me about the kid,” Zaeed said. “I can’t help if you just talk in fragments. You either let me in or-”

Shepard laughed. “Or what?”

Zaeed shrugged. “Or I just keep trying, I guess.” When Shepard looked away, Zaeed continued, “You know, I remember when this was easy. When you’d just tell me what was wrong, and I’d listen, and you’d feel better, and then maybe we’d fuck or maybe we’d just cuddle.”

Shepard offered him a half-smile. “I just feel like this kid burning up in my dreams is trying to tell me if I’m careless again I’ll burn up everyone’s future. We just - we won’t exist anymore-”

“Shepard-”

“Let’s go back in. Let’s do another round.”

Zaeed lightly grasped Shepard’s arms. He squeezed them lightly and said, “You can’t save everyone.”

Shepard tried pulling away. “You think I don’t know that every second I’m stuck here is a second people are dying on Earth or Palaven or wherever? Someone could be losing their squad like I did - or their Ash - because I couldn’t act fast enough.”

“You’re not the only one in this fight,” Zaeed said. “You’re waiting for the scientists to do whatever bullshit it is that they’re doing. They’re as much responsible as you are. Hell, it’s the damned Reapers’ fault, Shepard.”

Shepard didn’t say anything, but he lightly wrapped his arms around Zaeed. After a beat of hesitation, Shepard pulled him closer. Part of Zaeed hated it. He wrapped his arms around Shepard’s back - hugging him because he needed it. Shepard had told him that they needed to cool off whatever they were doing while Shepard tried to figure out things between him and that new Spectre. Zaeed wasn’t sure why he was second choice - he wasn’t sure why it needed to be a choice. Hell, he didn’t mind sharing. 

Shepard hugged him tightly and Zaeed responded in kind, glad that his armour separated them. He wanted to hug him without hesitation. He didn’t want to have to hold back. He didn’t want to worry about how a simple hug could hurt Shepard later. And he hated feeling how thin Shepard was in his arms. Shepard tucked his head against Zaeed’s neck, against the tattoo he always looked at.

Shepard asked, “Why is it that I only feel like it’s okay to be weak around you?”

“Because I like being a tough guy and I don’t like competition,” Zaeed said.

Shepard laughed against him. Shepard’s lips brushed against his neck. Zaeed loved it. Zaeed missed it. Shepard said, “I don’t want a serious answer from you, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I can’t handle processing anything else, Zaeed.”

“I know.”

Shepard drew away from him while touching the front of Zaeed’s armour as if he was smoothing out a shirt. Zaeed kept his hands at his side, not sure how to touch him if he couldn’t love him completely. Shepard softly said, “Come back with us on the Normandy.”

Zaeed felt his heart breaking as he replied, “I can’t.”

“Because of us?”

“Because they need me here more than your team needs me,” Zaeed said. “I’m experienced. I’m a quick problem solver. I’m good at commanding a squad - that’s why Cerberus wanted me, and that’s why I should be here.”

“Fuck, I’m so selfish.”

“No,” Zaeed said. He wrapped his arms around Shepard, pulling him into a tight hug, breaking his own rules. “You’re just looking for support.”

Shepard sighed, and Zaeed kissed his cheek. Shepard hugged him back tightly, openly breathing him in. Zaeed knew if Shepard just asked him again, he’d say fuck it and go with him. He missed their days of hunting down Collectors. He missed hanging out in his cabin - throwing himself into Shepard’s lap when Shepard was trying to work and kissing under his chin.

And he missed this. Supporting Shepard when he was cracking. Keeping him together. He wasn’t sure how much Shepard confided his weaknesses to his crew. Shepard always felt the need to be the strong one, and Zaeed wasn’t sure why Shepard felt like he could be vulnerable around him. He could feel Shepard crumbling in his touch, desperately trying to hold it together. He wished Shepard would ask him to stay one more time – just a sign that he really wanted him, that it wasn’t just an impulsive, lonely choice. He wanted to stay so desperately, to hold him like this.

But Shepard said nothing. Probably thinking the same thing he was – how much things would change back to how they were when they fought the Collectors together.

So Zaeed considered how much the routine of the Arena helped Shepard feel productive when he was forced to be stagnant. Zaeed loosened his grip on Shepard to look at him. “You know, there is something we haven’t considered about all these matches.”

Shepard said, “What’s that?”

“All those people out there. I don’t know if you’ve seen any of the commentary, but even the matches where you lose, people love knowing how you’ll go down fighting - how much of an obscene wave it’ll take for you to lose. And when you win - everyone always fucking loves it when you win.”

“When we win,” Shepard said.

“Come on, you know they’re talking about you,” Zaeed said with a grin. “Maybe we should do one more match before we call it quits.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Zaeed said. Shepard already started to change back into his armour, and Zaeed added, “Can we just not fight any Collectors?”

Shepard had an expression as if he wanted to ask why, but hesitated as he considered the answer. He said, “Yeah. All right. Cerberus or Reapers?”

“Let’s do Cerberus to warm up.”

“Perfect,” Shepard said.

Shepard finished suiting up and they tried to decide what arena to fight in. Shepard said, “I don’t really care, to be honest.”

“Let’s do the Blasteroid again,” Zaeed said.

“Sure,” Shepard said, setting up the location. “Why?”

“I don’t know. I like that sunset before things start.”

“Yeah, me too. It’s something, right?”

“Yeah,” Zaeed said. The pair walked out into the ring, and Zaeed asked, “Did we ever watch a real sunset together?”

Shepard said, “I don’t think so.” The screen loaded with the orange-red tint. The fans yells were muffled above them. Shepard said, “This works though. I’ll take whatever we can get – together.”

Zaeed felt Shepard’s fingers gently brush against his own. He loved it, desperate to take whatever he could get. Zaeed looked at him again, but this time Shepard watched him. There were no ghosts lurking around the corner for Shepard to chase. Just him. Shepard turned his head back to the screen and said, “Wait, I think that might be an explosion.”

Zaeed drew out his weapon and said, “Well, that’s more our style anyway, isn’t it?”

Shepard grinned and drew his weapon as well. “And we’ve seen them a thousand times before.”

The match began, and Zaeed finally relaxed. He loved seeing Shepard smile again.

**Author's Note:**

> • [Original Fics & Ao3 Blog](http://blog.notamaincharacter.com/) •  
> • [Twitter](https://twitter.com/JunkerFics) •


End file.
